Humor

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <script type="text/javascript"> //OwnerIQ var __oiq_pct = 50; if( __oiq_pct>=100 || Math.floor(Math.random()*100/(100-__oiq_pct)) > 0 ) { var _oiqq = _oiqq || []; _oiqq.push(['oiq_addPageBrand','Lycos']); _oiqq.push(['oiq_addPageCat','Internet > Websites']); _oiqq.push(['oiq_addPageLifecycle','Intend']); _oiqq.push(['oiq_doTag']); (function() { var oiq = document.createElement('script'); oiq.type = 'text/javascript'; oiq.async = true; oiq.src = document.location.protocol + '//px.owneriq.net/stas/s/lycosn.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(oiq, s); })(); } //Google Analytics var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount','UA-21402695-19']); _gaq.push(['_setDomainName','tripod.com']); _gaq.push(['_setCustomVar',1,'member_name','kcsun3',3]); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); //Lycos Init function getReferrer() { var all= this.document.cookie; if (all== '') return false; var cookie_name = 'REFERRER='; var start = all.lastIndexOf(cookie_name); if (start == -1) return false; start += cookie_name.length; var end = all.indexOf(';', start); if (end == -1) end = all.length; return all.substring(start, end); } function getQuery() { var rfr = getReferrer(); if (rfr == '') return false; var q = extractQuery(rfr, 'yahoo.com', 'p='); if (q) return q; q = extractQuery(rfr, '', 'q='); return q ? q : ""; } function extractQuery(full, site, q_param) { var start = full.lastIndexOf(site); if (start == -1) return false; start = full.lastIndexOf(q_param); if (start == -1) return false; start += q_param.length; var end = full.indexOf('&', start); if (end == -1) end = full.length; return unescape(full.substring(start, end)).split(" ").join("+"); } function generateHref(atag, template){ atag.href=template.replace('_MYURL_', window.location.href.replace('http://', '')).replace('_MYTITLE_','Check%20out%20this%20Tripod%20Member%20site!'); } var lycos_ad = Array(); var lycos_onload_timer; var cm_role = "live"; var cm_host = "tripod.lycos.com"; var cm_taxid = "/memberembedded"; var tripod_member_name = "kcsun3"; var tripod_member_page = "kcsun3/id59.htm"; var tripod_ratings_hash = "1732236513:482ffc6dd01937003e183950af3b7da2"; var lycos_ad_category = {"dmoz":"health\/nursing","ontarget":"&CAT=health","find_what":"school nurses"}; var lycos_ad_remote_addr = "209.202.244.9"; var lycos_ad_www_server = "www.tripod.lycos.com"; var lycos_ad_track_small = ""; var lycos_ad_track_served = ""; var lycos_search_query = getQuery(); </script> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type='text/javascript'> var googletag = googletag || {}; googletag.cmd = googletag.cmd || []; (function() { var gads = document.createElement('script'); gads.async = true; gads.type = 'text/javascript'; var useSSL = 'https:' == document.location.protocol; gads.src = (useSSL ? 'https:' : 'http:') + '//www.googletagservices.com/tag/js/gpt.js'; var node = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; node.parentNode.insertBefore(gads, node); })(); </script> <script type='text/javascript'> googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.defineSlot('/95963596/TRI_300X250_dfp', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1450204159126-0').addService(googletag.pubads()); googletag.defineSlot('/95963596/TRI_above_728x90_dfp', [728, 90], 'div-gpt-ad-1450204159126-1').addService(googletag.pubads()); googletag.defineSlot('/95963596/TRI_below_728x90_dfp', [728, 90], 'div-gpt-ad-1450204159126-2').addService(googletag.pubads()); googletag.pubads().enableSingleRequest(); googletag.enableServices(); }); </script> <script type="text/javascript"> (function(isV) { if( !isV ) { return; } var adMgr = new AdManager(); var lycos_prod_set = adMgr.chooseProductSet(); var slots = ["leaderboard", "leaderboard2", "toolbar_image", "toolbar_text", "smallbox", "top_promo", "footer2", "slider"]; var adCat = this.lycos_ad_category; adMgr.setForcedParam('page', (adCat && adCat.dmoz) ? adCat.dmoz : 'member'); if (this.lycos_search_query) { adMgr.setForcedParam("keyword", this.lycos_search_query); } else if(adCat && adCat.find_what) { adMgr.setForcedParam('keyword', adCat.find_what); } for (var s in slots) { var slot = slots[s]; if (adMgr.isSlotAvailable(slot)) { this.lycos_ad[slot] = adMgr.getSlot(slot); } } adMgr.renderHeader(); adMgr.renderFooter(); }((function() { var w = 0, h = 0, minimumThreshold = 300; if (top == self) { return true; } if (typeof(window.innerWidth) == 'number' ) { w = window.innerWidth; h = window.innerHeight; } else if (document.documentElement && (document.documentElement.clientWidth || document.documentElement.clientHeight)) { w = document.documentElement.clientWidth; h = document.documentElement.clientHeight; } else if (document.body && (document.body.clientWidth || document.body.clientHeight)) { w = document.body.clientWidth; h = document.body.clientHeight; } return ((w > minimumThreshold) && (h > minimumThreshold)); }()))); window.onload = function() { var f = document.getElementById("FooterAd"); var b = document.getElementsByTagName("body")[0]; b.appendChild(f); f.style.display = "block"; document.getElementById('lycosFooterAdiFrame').src = '/adm/ad/footerAd.iframe.html'; // DOM Inj Ad (function(isTrellix) { var e = document.createElement('iframe'); e.style.border = '0'; e.style.margin = 0; e.style.display = 'block'; e.style.cssFloat = 'right'; e.style.height = '254px'; e.style.overflow = 'hidden'; e.style.padding = 0; e.style.width = '300px'; var isBlokedByDomain = function( href ) { var blockedDomains = [ "ananyaporn13000.tripod.com", "xxxpornxxx.tripod.com" ]; var flag = false; for( var i=0; i<blockedDomains.length; i++ ) { if( href.search( blockedDomains[ i ] ) >= 0 ) { flag = true; } } return flag; } var getMetaContent = function( metaName ) { var metas = document.getElementsByTagName('meta'); for (i=0; i<metas.length; i++) { if( metas[i].getAttribute("name") == metaName ) { return metas[i].getAttribute("content"); } } return false; } var getCommentNodes = function(regexPattern) { var nodes = {}; var nodesA = []; var preferredNodesList = ['a', 'c', 'b']; (function getNodesThatHaveComments(n, pattern) { if (n.hasChildNodes()) { if (n.tagName === 'IFRAME') { return false; } for (var i = 0; i < n.childNodes.length; i++) { if ((n.childNodes[i].nodeType === 8) && (pattern.test(n.childNodes[i].nodeValue))) { var areaName = pattern.exec(n.childNodes[i].nodeValue)[1]; nodes[areaName] = n; } else if (n.childNodes[i].nodeType === 1) { getNodesThatHaveComments(n.childNodes[i], pattern); } } } }(document.body, regexPattern)); for (var i in preferredNodesList) { if (nodes[preferredNodesList[i]]) { if( isTrellix && nodes[preferredNodesList[i]].parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode ) { nodesA.push(nodes[preferredNodesList[i]].parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode); } else { nodesA.push( nodes[preferredNodesList[i]] ); } } } return nodesA; } var properNode = null; var areaNodes = getCommentNodes( new RegExp( '^area Type="area_(\\w+)"' ) ); for (var i = 0; i < areaNodes.length; i++) { var a = parseInt(getComputedStyle(areaNodes[i]).width); if ((a >= 300) && (a <= 400)) { properNode = areaNodes[i]; break; } } var propertyName = getMetaContent("property") || false; if( isTrellix && (properNode) ) { e.src = '/adm/ad/injectAd.iframe.html'; properNode.insertBefore(e, properNode.firstChild); } else if( isTrellix && !( properNode ) ) // Slap the ad eventhought there is no alocated slot { e.src = '/adm/ad/injectAd.iframe.html'; e.style.cssFloat = 'none'; var cdiv = document.createElement('div'); cdiv.style = "width:300px;margin:10px auto;"; cdiv.appendChild( e ); b.insertBefore(cdiv, b.lastChild); } else if( !isBlokedByDomain( location.href ) ) { var injF = document.createElement('iframe'); injF.style.border = '0'; injF.style.margin = 0; injF.style.display = 'block'; injF.style.cssFloat = 'none'; injF.style.height = '254px'; injF.style.overflow = 'hidden'; injF.style.padding = 0; injF.style.width = '300px'; injF.src = '/adm/ad/injectAd.iframe.html'; if( b && ( !isTrellix || ( typeof isTrellix == "undefined" ) ) ) // All other tripod props { var cdiv = document.createElement('div'); cdiv.style = "width:300px;margin:10px auto;"; cdiv.appendChild( injF ); b.insertBefore(cdiv, b.lastChild); } } }( document.isTrellix )); } </script> <div id="tb_container" style="background:#DFDCCF; border-bottom:1px solid #393939; position:relative; z-index:999999999!important">  <style> .adCenterClass{margin:0 auto} </style> <div id="tb_ad" class="adCenterClass" style="display:block!important; overflow:hidden; width:916px;"> <div id="ad_container" style="display:block!important; float:left; width:728px "> <script type="text/javascript"> if (typeof lycos_ad !== "undefined" && "leaderboard" in lycos_ad) { document.write(lycos_ad['leaderboard']); } </script> </div> </div> </div> <script type="text/javascript"> if (typeof lycos_ad !== "undefined" && "slider" in lycos_ad) { document.write(lycos_ad['slider']); } </script>  <div id="FooterAd" style="background:#DFDCCF; border-top:1px solid #393939; clear:both; display:none; width:100%!important; position:relative; z-index:999999!important; height:90px!important"> <div class="adCenterClass" style="display:block!important; overflow:hidden; width:916px;"> <div id="footerAd_container" style="display:block!important; float:left; width:728px"> <iframe id="lycosFooterAdiFrame" style="border:0; display:block; float:left; height:96px; overflow:hidden; padding:0; width:750px"></iframe> </div> </div> </div> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=3 height=22 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="045000d2egerdp.gif"> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=145 BGCOLOR="#333399" TEXT="#080000" background="044a2c00erkjzj.gif"> <div> <B>CLICK HERE!</b></div> <div> <A HREF="id173.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Stressed Out About Nursing School"><U><IMG SRC="5cf5f750.jpg" border=0 width="95" height="117" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <div> <B>The Insider's Guide!</b></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=428 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#336600" FACE="Times New Roman" ><I>The Student Nurse Forum</I></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#663399" FACE="Times New Roman" >    </FONT> |    <B> </b><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0000BF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Student Nurse Forum"><U><B>home</b></U></A><B>  </b></FONT></div> <div> <A HREF="id80.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Diary of a Student"><U>Diary of a Student</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id102.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Stories "><U>Your Stories </U></A>   |   <B>Humor</b>   |   <A HREF="id47.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Shop"><U>Book Shop</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id226.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Reading Room"><U>Reading Room</U></A></div> <div> <IMG SRC="04607040.gif" border=0 width="263" height="4" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <B>Humor</b></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div>  <A NAME="top"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >This page was last updated on  15-Jun-02  </FONT></div> <div>  <table border='0' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='0'><tr><td align='center'><a href='http://hc2.humanclick.com/hc/58400145/?cmd=file&file=visitorWantsToChat&site=58400145&byhref=1' target='chat58400145' onClick="window.open('http://hc2.humanclick.com/hc/58400145/?cmd=file&file=visitorWantsToChat&site=58400145','chat58400145','width=472,height=320');return false;"><img src='http://hc2.humanclick.com/hc/58400145/?cmd=repstate&site=58400145&category=en;bravenet;2&ver=1' name='hcIcon' width=152 height=37 border=0></a></td></tr><tr><td align='center'><a href='http://hc2.humanclick.com/hc/58400145/?cmd=PoweredByPage&site=58400145' target='_top'><img src='http://hc2.humanclick.com/hc/58400145/?cmd=hccredit&site=58400145' width=106 height=35 border=0></a></td></tr></table>  </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id80.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Diary of a Student"><U><IMG SRC="487731f0.gif" border=0 width="115" height="31" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A><A HREF="id102.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Stories "><U><IMG SRC="488731f0.gif" border=0 width="115" height="31" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A><IMG SRC="48e731f0.gif" border=0 width="115" height="31" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><A HREF="id60.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="EZine"><U><IMG SRC="48b731f0.gif" border=0 width="115" height="31" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A><A HREF="id47.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Shop"><U><IMG SRC="48a731f0.gif" border=0 width="115" height="31" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="5" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="572" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#FFCC00" BORDERCOLORDARK="#FFFFFF" FRAME="ABOVE" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 WIDTH="566"><div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Student Nurse Forum"><U><B>Main Menu</b></U></A><B> / </b><A HREF="id143.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Reading Nook"><U><B>Reading Nook</b></U></A><B> / Nursing Humor</b></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> <I><B>  Reading Nook:</b></I></div> <div> <I><B>Nursing Humor</b></I></div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="5" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="571" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#0033CC" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="ABOVE" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 WIDTH="565"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="16" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="565" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="0" CELLSPACING="0" WIDTH="50" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="LEFT" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 59 WIDTH="50"><div> <B>T</b></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> ake a quick break to enjoy a full belly-laugh with our nursing humor!  This page is our personal care plan for you, guaranteed to reduce your stress level and brighten your day</div> <bR> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >Got a great nursing funny?  Send your original nursing  stories and jokes to </FONT><A HREF="mailto:kcsun3@yahoo.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:kcsun3@yahoo.com"><U>kcsun3@yahoo.com</U></A> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >and we'll post them here!</FONT></div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="584" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 314 ><NOBR><div> <IMG SRC="7886c310.jpg" border=0 width="364" height="305" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="179"><bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="5" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="169" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#003399" BORDERCOLORDARK="#003399" FRAME="BOX" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFCC80 HEIGHT= 25 ><NOBR><div> <I><B>Nursing Humor</b></I></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 32 ><NOBR><bR> <div> <A HREF="#medical_bloopers" TITLE="Humor"><U>Medical Bloopers</U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 33 WIDTH="151"><div> <A HREF="#you_might_be_an_er_nurse_if_____" TITLE="Humor"><U>You Might Be An ER Nurse If...</U></A></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 ><NOBR><div> <A HREF="#the_woes_of_hmo_s" TITLE="Humor"><U>The Woes of HMOs</U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 16 WIDTH="151"><div> <A HREF="#ems_q_a" TITLE="Humor"><U>EMS Q&A</U></A></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 49 WIDTH="151"><div> <A HREF="#top_ten_reasons_to_go_to_nursing_school" TITLE="Humor"><U>Top 10 Reasons To Go To Nursing School</U></A></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> Cartoons by <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0033CC" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="http://www.bandidobooks.com/catalog/catalog3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.bandidobooks.com/catalog/cata"><U>Carl Elbing, Jr.</U></A></FONT>  Thanks to Carl and <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0033CC" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="http://www.bandidobooks.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.bandidobooks.com"><U>Bandido Books</U></A></FONT> for allowing them to be posted here!</div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="medical_bloopers"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></b><B>MEDICAL BLOOPERS</b><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals: </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The skin was moist and dry." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"On the second day knee was better; on the third day it had completely disappeared." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Patient needs disposition; therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient refused an autopsy." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient has no past history of suicides." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient's history is insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"She is numb from her toes down." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">"Patient was alert and unresponsive." </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="#top" TITLE="Humor"><U>Return to the top</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="78a89520.jpg" border=0 width="393" height="338" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="you_might_be_an_er_nurse_if_____"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></b><B>You Might Be an ER Nurse If.....</b></div> <bR> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only patient in there is the one that just died! </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe! </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system - quantity not sufficient]. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">When asked, "Are you the nurse on tonight?" You want to respond, "No, I just like dressing up as a nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is? </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"? </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help? </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier? </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever listed a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk". </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve ear rings say, "I'm afraid of shots." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever thought, "As long as he's got a pulse, I don't care about the rhythm". </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever referred to a body bag as a "to go" bag. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-Emergent and Sleeping it Off. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You don't ask "frequent flyers" their history, you know it by heart. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers." </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have used the phrase 'health care reform' to terrify your co-workers </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You know the local detox center number by heart </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have handled several 'lost condom' cases </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have had to leave the patient before you began to laugh uncontrollably </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe chocolate is a food group </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe a good tape job will fix anything </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have your weekends off planned a year in advance </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You say to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstones </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You call tell the difference between a Doctor's Order and the ground around a chicken farm </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You call burn victims "crispy critters" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies"  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?" </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700c800000000.gif" HEIGHT="13" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?" </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="#top" TITLE="Humor"><U>Return to the top</U></A></div> <bR> <div> Advertisement</div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.medi-smart.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.medi-smart.com"><U><IMG SRC="268d43c0.gif" border=0 width="468" height="60" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="the_woes_of_hmo_s"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></b><B>DEALING WITH INSURANCE COMPANIES </b><B>- OH THE WOES OF HMO'S!</b><B> </b></div> <bR> <div> Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? </div> <div> A. No. Only those you need. </div> <bR> <div> Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? </div> <div> A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. </div> <bR> <div> Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? </div> <div> A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="#top" TITLE="Humor"><U>Return to the top</U></A></div> <bR> <div> Advertisement</div> <div>    <CENTER><TABLE BORDER=0><TR><TD align=center> <A HREF="http://www.interprosolution.com/bannerx/showlink.asp?id=173"> <IMG width="468" height="60" alt="Nurses Referral Banner Exchange Network" SRC="http://www.interprosolution.com/bannerx/showbanner.asp?id=173"></A></TD></TR> <TR><TD align=center><A TARGET="_blank" HREF="http://nurse-recruiter.com/bemarketing.html#nrben"><font face=arial size=-1>Nurses Referral Banner Exchange Network-</font></A><A TARGET="_blank" HREF="http://www.interprosolution.com"><font face="arial" size="1">Powered by InterProSolution.com</font></A></TD></TR> </TABLE></CENTER>   </div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="ems_q_a"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></b><B>Emergency Medical Services</b></div> <div> <B>(Stupid) Frequently Asked Questions </b><B>with Answers!</b></div> <bR> <div> Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it? </div> <div> A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard, and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it. </div> <div>  </div> <div> Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q) </div> <div> A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack. </div> <bR> <div> Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital? </div> <div> A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you promise to quit bugging me. </div> <bR> <div> Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie Paramedic)? </div> <div> A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner. </div> <bR> <div> Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital? </div> <div> A. No. </div> <div> Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital? </div> <div> A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back. </div> <bR> <div> Q. How fast will your ambulance go? </div> <div> A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely. </div> <bR> <div> Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor). </div> <div> A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts, he will survive.</div> <div>  </div> <div> Q. Can I have a band-aid? </div> <div> A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need? </div> <bR> <div> Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident). </div> <div> A. Plane crash! </div> <bR> <div> Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath). </div> <div> A. Plane crash! </div> <bR> <div> Q. What happened? (at a plane crash) </div> <div> A. Shark attack! </div> <bR> <div> Q. What does EMT stand for? </div> <div> A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician </div> <div>  </div> <div> Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen? </div> <div> A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked? </div> <bR> <div> Q. Why did you bring the patient here? </div> <div> A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!</div> <div>  </div> <div> Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby? </div> <div> A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop. </div> <bR> <div> Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient). </div> <div> A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim). </div> <div> A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once! </div> <bR> <div> Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code). </div> <div> A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.</div> <div>  </div> <div> Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms? </div> <div> A. Only if they use your pen. </div> <bR> <div> Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right? </div> <div> A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz? </div> <bR> <div> Q. Is he dead? (Fire Captian). </div> <div> A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose? </div> <bR> <div> Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Management). </div> <div> A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire. </div> <bR> <div> Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance? </div> <div> A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance. </div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>EMS (Stupid) Frequently Asked Questions with Answers, copyright 1996 by Jerry Fandel.</b></div> <bR> <div> <I>Many thanks to Jerry Fandel for his EMS humor!  Please visit his website, The Bates Motel, at </I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0033CC" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="http://www.dreamscape.com/muffin/library/nursing/index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.dreamscape.com/muffin/library"><U><I>http://www.dreamscape.com/muffin/library/nursing/index.htm</I></U></A></FONT><I>.  Jerry has a vast library of medical and student humor to tickle your funny bone!</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="#top" TITLE="Humor"><U>Return to the top</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <B> <A NAME="top_ten_reasons_to_go_to_nursing_school"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></b><B>Top Ten Reasons to Go to Nursing School</b></div> <bR> <div> 10. The Kreb's Citric Acid Cycle</div> <div> 9. Learn a little Greek and Latin</div> <div> 8. Body fluids</div> <div> 7. Practice self-diagnosis in psych class</div> <div> 6. Drug math</div> <div> 5. Get to know exotic microorganisms (that can kill you)</div> <div> 4. Meet your friend, the NCLEX </div> <div> 3. Find out how surprisingly well you do with very little sleep</div> <div> 2. Get to wear your favorite color: white</div> <div> <I>and the number one reason to go to nursing school...</I></div> <div> 1. Two words: Care Plans!</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Martin Schiavenato, RN</b></div> <div> <B>Bandido Books</b></div> <div> <I><B>Nursing At Clinical Speed</b></I></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.bandidobooks.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.bandidobooks.com"><U><B>http://www.bandidobooks.com</b></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <I>Thanks to Martin Schiavenato for this hilarious top 10 list!  Check out Martin's publishing company, </I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0033CC" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="http://www.bandidobooks.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.bandidobooks.com"><U><I>Bandido Books</I></U></A></FONT><I>, for some of the best clinical guides on the market, including the Quick-E series of clinical pocket reference books by specialty (see our </I><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0033CC" FACE="Arial" ><A HREF="id47.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book Shop"><U><I>Book Shop</I></U></A></FONT><I> for our review of the Quick-E Critical Care Clinical Nursing Reference Book).</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="#top" TITLE="Humor"><U>Return to the top</U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="0" CELLSPACING="0" WIDTH="526" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#FFCC80" BORDERCOLORDARK="#FFCC80" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFCC80 > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFCC80 HEIGHT= 16 WIDTH="526"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="16" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="526" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> Advertisements:</div> <div> <I><B> <A HREF="http://www.topsitelists.com/topsites.cgi?ID=169&user=nursefriendly&area=world">Vote for our site!</A>  </b></I></div> <div>    <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 width=468><tr> <td align="center"><IFRAME SRC="http://ibg.hitbox.com/ace?id=44313&hb=WQ501024IHZW48EN5" width=468 height=60 marginwidth=0 marginheight=0 frameborder=0 scrolling=no> <a target="_top" href="http://ics.hitbox.com/csr?id="><img src="http://ibg.hitbox.com/ace?id=44313&hb=WQ501024IHZW48EN5&i=n" border=0 width=468 height=60 alt="Click Here"></a></IFRAME></td></tr> <tr><td><A href="http://counter.hitbox.com/a/joinbar.cgi" target="_top"> <IMG SRC="http://hg1.hitbox.com/HG?hc=wf155&l=y&hb=WQ501024IHZW48EN5&cd=1&n=Humor" height=15 width=468 ALT="Click Here!" border=0></A></td></tr></table>    </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=30 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B> Copyright </b><B>© 2000-2002 Stephanie Thibeault, The Student Nurse Forum</b></div> <div> <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About This Site"><U>About This Site</U></A>     <A HREF="id127.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Privacy"><U>Privacy</U></A>     <A HREF="id128.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Disclaimer"><U>Disclaimer</U></A>     <A HREF="id129.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Copyright"><U>Copyright</U></A>     <A HREF="id130.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Terms Conditions"><U>Terms & Conditions</U></A>     <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U>Contact Us</U></A>    <A HREF="id41.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Site Map"><U>Site Map</U></A></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>